Let’s talk about people pleasing. I fee like we’re all guilty of doing this at some point, when we really don’t want to. Especially women. I feel like women have this innate nature to be people pleasers. We are more “yes people” than men, in my opinion. We are nicer, more agreeable, maybe more likeable, and believe we can avoid conflict from pleasing people.
But the truth is, you can’t please everyone. You can be as nice as you want, as politically correct as ever, and do everything in your power to please the people you might think you want to please, and there will always be someone that you cannot please.
This blog post is on exactly that. You can’t please everyone, and THAT’S OKAY. We have to live with the fact that not everyone may be your “cup of tea”. Learning how to say ‘no’ is hard. I get that. But if you keep saying ‘yes’ and screaming ‘no’ on the inside, you’re really only hurting yourself.
I have been through this with family disagreements, past co-workers, friends, relationships I’ve been in, and of course, the online world. I once had a comment from someone who told me I swear too much on the blog. LOL. Ummmm, okay? Well that’s my voice, and you can either stay and continue reading, or you can exit and move right along. Because again, you’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea.
In this post, I want to share how to change being a people pleaser. There’s too many of us out there that are people pleasing, and really, we’re hurting our authentic selves.
3 WAYS TO STOP BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER:
1. Learning how to say ‘no’.
It comes down to this one word – NO.
Saying ‘no’ is basically disappointing someone and people pleasers hate that. They hate disappointing anyone. But the fact of the matter is, every time you say ‘yes’ to someone, you are basically saying ‘no’ to yourself. You’re compromising what’s actually important to you.
Learn to say no, even if it’s the hard thing to do. You will benefit from that in the end. Say ‘no’ to that ugly relationship that’s causing you stress. Say ‘no’ to the “friend” that you no longer want to hang out with. Say ‘no’ to the peer pressure that you’re getting at school, work or wherever. And say ‘no’ if you truly believe in something when someone else is telling you otherwise. Be true to yourself.
Don’t be the person who says “yes” and is then screaming “no” on the inside.
This brings me to # 2!
2. Get clear on your values.
This is an important one. Recognize your values and when you are compromising them for someone else. We all have a set of values deep down inside of us. If you feel like you’re compromising some of them, pull them out. Write them down, and be true to them.
Learn the difference between character traits and values. Our values are chosen by us. Just because you say ‘no’ does not make you less of a ‘nice’ person. Being nice is a character trait.
Values can be used to guide our actions and can help us move forward with difficult thoughts, feelings, decisions. If you’re ever feeling stuck, reach deep down and remember your values. Are you compromising them by being a people pleaser?
Do what you truly feel aligns with your values and don’t dismiss them for anyone.
3. Always be your authentic self.
I know this phrase is said a lot. And sometimes we can get confused by this. Because, who the hell else would we be right? Well, as I mentioned above, not everyone is going to love your authentic self. People are going to judge you for who you are.
People pleasers tend to stray away from their authentic selves just to please others.
Everyone wants and says “be your authentic self” and then when we are, we get shamed for it. The other day I was scrolling on Instagram and some blogger put out an IGTV saying “can all bloggers please stop saying the phrase “you guys” because it sounds very unauthentic.”
WHHHHAAAAATTTT?!?! THE FUCK?
Let me tell you, she got A LOT of backlash from that. Because the phrase “you guys” is literally said by everyone all the time. NOT JUST BLOGGERS…
And who cares what people are saying if it feels authentic to them? In all honesty, that blogger was being super judgy in my opinion. Say what you want if it’s authentic to you, mmk?
Point is – you’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea! So be okay with that. Continue to do you fearlessly, unapologetically, and everyone else can either get on board, or move the F*** on.
Also, I’m talking about the bigger things in life. I’m not saying be a “no” person for everything. If your partner asks you to wash the dishes once in a while, probably just say “yes” LOL. (Even if your values are saying no 😉 )
Being a people pleaser is definitely the easier route to take. You’re more liked, duh. But saying ‘no’, being true to your values, and being your authentic self is harder. It’s hard period. People might walk away from your life, they might condone you, they might judge you. But at the end of the day, you’ve stuck to your values that you truly believe in.
In this day and age, women more than ever, need to realize if they are people pleasers and how to change that. You can still be kind, nice and likeable, and choose not to be a people pleaser.
I hope this was somewhat helpful to you guys.
++ If you enjoyed this post, check out my post on What I learnt at 30 years old.
+++ Oh, and 4 major life lessons everyone should know about.
Photos by A. Jmourko